Lee's Story: I have a family thanks to a sperm donor

When faced with the devastating news of azoospermia, a condition preventing sperm production, this couple’s dream of starting a family seemed uncertain. In this heartfelt story, one father shares his deeply personal journey of loss, hope, and the life-changing support they received from Care Fertility:  
It came as quite a shock when I was diagnosed with Azoospermia—my inability to produce sperm. Both my wife and I were completely devastated. We shed many tears as we realised we no longer had control over something we thought was in our hands—the whole family planning thing. 

I had suspected that my fertility might be compromised due to surgery I had as a teenager, so I had mentally prepared for a low sperm count. But this? A real shock! The GPs seemed out of their depth when delivering such emotional news, leaving us to navigate this life-changing diagnosis alone. That’s when I turned to the internet for help. At this stage I was ignorant to all of the help available via web-based forums such as the one at Care Fertility and we found solace posting on the Fertility Friends website. 

It was a double-edged sword: on one hand, it was comforting to know others understood our situation, but on the other, it was sad to see how many people shared the same pain.  

Navigating fertility options 
My wife and I talked endlessly about what we would and would not be prepared to do but until you are faced with the decision, you can never say never. When I found out my condition might be genetic, I was hesitant to pursue invasive surgeries. I did not think that we would be able to cope with the stress of the low percentage chance of success, the long waits, and financial burden. I seemed to have a dodgy set of genes anyway and from what I had read there was the possibility of further genetic defects being passed on. I was more comfortable with donated sperm just from this genetic perspective alone.  

I was aware it would be hard, thinking about not fathering a child genetically, but I came to terms with the fact that any child is a gift. Any baby we brought into the world would be loved endlessly, no matter whose genes they carried. It has been said before that if anything, that child will be loved more because of the genuine love required to bring them into the world. 

The emotional journey 
We spent what felt like an eternity grappling with these emotions, isolated with our thoughts and fears. It was hard to imagine opening up to a counsellor, and I assumed (correctly!) that they would have a way of coaxing out feelings. I was concerned that it would be like emptying a bucket of water – and that all of the emotions would come spilling out.  

Maybe it’s a man thing, but for me it boiled down to how I imagined my future. When I imagined my future and my children, I imagined little me's with brown hair and cheeky smiles all of which no longer seemed possible. 

Coming to terms with donor conception 
After a lot of soul searching, I realised that any child, born of my genes or not, would be a stranger in the sense that they may not look like me, they may not like the things I like, or they may grow to be six foot six or five foot one. The point is, my future has always been imaginary, and in truth, I hadn’t lost anything except for how my children would come into this world. 

However, I found myself in the throes of a grief I never knew existed. These were emotions I had never tapped into before, and they were overwhelming. I desperately needed to talk to someone, and I will be forever grateful to Care Fertility and particularly the counsellor for helping me through that difficult time. 

Finding a Donor 
I’ll never forget the moment I found out we had a sperm donor. I was out of the country with work and had just visited the Wailing Wall in Jerusalem. Despite not being religious, I felt compelled to write a note asking for help. On the way back to the hotel, I received the call. I got back to the hotel room as quickly as possible and spoke with Dot at Care Fertility in Nottingham. 

She gave me the details: brown hair, which felt like a good match, but then she said the donor had blue eyes. I have brown eyes, and I had always imagined the donor contributing traits similar to mine—brown hair, brown eyes, and fair skin. The donor also enjoyed football and ballroom dancing, neither of which I connected with. My heart sank, and I knew I wasn’t comfortable with this choice. 

I hung up, but within ten seconds, I called Dot back, expressing my concerns. She reassured me there was another donor—this one was taller, with different blood types—but those details didn’t bother us. I explained to Dot that we had always intended to tell our child how they came into this world, and therefore a mismatched blood type wouldn’t be an issue. After an overnight wait, we found out the donor was available, and we felt much more at peace with the match. 

The IVF process 
Shortly afterward, 2.3 million healthy sperm were placed into my wife's womb! For the first time in seven months, we felt like any other couple trying for a baby. Waiting for the test results was nerve-wracking. We were told to wait three weeks, but after two weeks, we couldn’t wait any longer and took a test. 

“Are we being silly?” we thought. We swung from thinking that she might be pregnant, to no she isn't, to should we just accept that she isn't, to daring to think that she might be! 

To our delight, the test was positive! I was over the moon, smiling so much I thought my face would split. Telling our family and friends was an emotional whirlwind of tears, joy, and celebration. But we decided to stay quiet after the initial excitement, hoping everything would go smoothly. 

Becoming a sad 
Nine months later, I became the proud dad of a bouncing baby boy. For anyone wondering how they will feel about a child conceived through donor sperm, I can honestly say it doesn’t matter. The moment my son was born, I felt nothing but love and joy. He is my little boy—there’s no question about it. I saw my wife’s features in his tiny face, and from that moment on, I knew our family was complete. 

My son came into this world thanks to the generosity of a selfless donor and the unwavering support of my incredible wife. He is our child, and I couldn’t imagine life without him. 

My advice to you 
There is a lot of support available, both online and through Care Fertility, from people who understand exactly what you’re going through. I’ll be forever grateful to the team for helping us along this journey. To anyone facing a similar challenge, I wish you all the luck in the world. It’s a dark tunnel at times, but there is light at the end.